My Brush With Death: KFC’s Double Down

“It’s got two of everything! Two pieces of cheese, two pieces of bacon, and two pieces of chicken. So long bun.”

So goes KFC’s commercial for the new “Double Down” sandwich, a gastronomical feat of unmatched proportions. Chris Dazen, Red&Black Sports Editor, and I threw caution to the wind, flipped the bird to reaching AARP eligibility and tried the aforementioned wonder this past Sunday.

The sacrifices I make in the name of journalistic excellence are unparalleled.

Dazen ordered the breaded Original Recipe® while I went for the grilled version. According to KFC’s website, the former is 540 calories and has 32 grams of fat. The latter is slightly healthier, coming in at 460 calories and only 23 grams of fat. Sodium on the other hand is higher by 50 milligrams in the grilled sandwich.

The preceding information is nice and all, but irrelevant in my opinion. I do not care if health advocates are up in arms, this sandwich is good. The likelihood that I eat another before 2011 is slim however.

First of all, this genius construction is not very big but due to the abundance of meat and lack of a bun, very filling. I cannot recall a time I have felt more carnivorous.

Dazen and I both had a bite of each and were in agreement the Original Recipe® is tastier. Ergonomically it holds the edge also, since the breading creates the necessary friction to avoid slippage and consummate proper consumption.

At five bucks a pop one can cover all their zoological bases in one meal: chicken (naturally), pig (bacon), and dairy cow (cheese). Three birds with one stone! I am not currently aware of a more efficient way to get the necessary daily requirement of the major food groups.

I have adopted a policy towards my life that requires taking up any and all activities which shave years off the back end when the opportunity is presented. In other words, go out with a bang.

The Double Down has surely eliminated my chances of any future children putting me in a nursing home.

For the brave (or just plain curious) souls out there who have been debating consumption of this delicious spawn of the Colonel’s brilliant mind I have two words: do it. The brazenness of laughing in the face of coronary thrombosis and a prospective colonic provides such a rush of adrenaline that I worried my head would explode in excitement before evening finishing. This is truly the answer for thrill seekers scared of skydiving or free-climbing in Moab.

Of course I had to run the stairs in Bica for an hour to avoid immediately putting on 15 pounds this close to swimsuit season but dear god were my taste buds grateful.

The Daily Beast recently did some research on the most unhealthy fast-food creations, and the Double Down ranked only 23rd among potential fast-food killers – slightly worse than a personal pan pizza from Pizza Hut, but better than a Big Mac.

Unfortunately it is not as bad as I had hoped. I guess next time I just have to eat two. Or go to Wendy’s for a Baconator Triple, the top ranked item on the list.

God bless America.

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